Bad Dad Report

And then there are the loser dads.

Yes, yes, every father faces that moment (or what might feel like an endless stream) of being upbraided by the being he'd give all for with "you're sooooo stuupid!" or "you're sooo annoyyingg!" And that might be true — although from the occasions and accusations hurled by Things 1 and 2 I doubt it — but every admonished dad takes comfort in the knowledge that if only the kids knew what I knew; if only they knew what loser dads really were, then they would be significantly less quick to epithetize.

So, for dads who may be facing one of those kid inspired lowpoints, a few real loser dads to toss back in your child's mug.

Father of two "Dopey" Lee Bartholomew stole around $1500 in cash and items (vibrators, lubricants, DVDs, accessories and other miscellany) from the shop where he worked. Although he dropped the store's monthly take by about 95 percent over the average, he claimed to his bosses that it was everyone watching soccer on television that had soured the sales. Not surprisingly, the bosses concerns were not allayed and he'll be waving to the kids behind the bars.

Which some might say is also where Belgium's King Al belongs for not at least sending a few Euros the way of the Baroness Boël, who claims in her new book to be the royal's illegitimate daughter and"dirty laundry."

And, finally, there is the tragic stupidity of 24-year-old Detroiter Gensis, who was planning to commit suicide — thought maybe he'd make himself a sandwich or something while he rethought it — and then heard the shot when his 3-year-old daughter came on the shotgun in his bedroom and fired the gun at herself. Unrelated (hah!), he was just picked up on a weapons charge.

Those children are loser dads. Now gedoudamyface!

** In their tragedies is the good news that they put the bar low enough to make it easy for the rest of us to easily sail over. **