Paternity No News ... and News.

Sex makes monkeys out of men. No news.

Ah, but monkey sex making monkeys out of scientists? News. And so WD passes along the report from Geneva of the 9-year-old daddy. DNA testing at the Swiss Zoo reveals that Viatu, not Kisoro, 17, is the father of baby gorilla Chelewa.

Also, a dad never really rests. No news. ...But we'll never let a dad rest in peace. News, again.

So, let's dig up the former (and deceased) Australian premier Charles Cameron Kingston to check his DNA and see who he might have fathered and who are among their spawn. And bring us the body of Eddy Arnold (famous for crooning "Make the World Go Away," among other country hits so we can see whether the mommy of Christopher Edward Tanner, 47, was telling the truth when she told him the late singer was his daddy.

In fact, let's not even leave daddies in peace when he AND scientific testing says he didn't happen to father the particular b*****d in question. So salute Meadville's (Penna.) Lisa Miceli, who doesn't care that former basketball superstar Michael Jordan denies fathering her 4-year-old; isn't bothered by his having "passed" two paternity tests; and doesn't feel court orders limit her right to free speech either. Most recently, for not shutting up about the man she believes is her baby daddy, she got thrown out of court — and not in a good way.