Sometimes and Every Time

This week's objet d'eBay, a near-mint 45 of Dan Hill's mega-hit "Sometimes When We Touch," comes with a reminder that while everyone (male anyway, or female with a slight change) can make the same statement — as Hill does with his new autobiography — that I Am My Father's Son, it means something different for each person.

"Sometimes" is a syrupy, massively popular love song that seems odd when considered in terms of Hill's biography. He was the son of a complex father. Daniel Grafton Hill III was both the driving biography behind IV's music and, upon his passing from diabetes, the source for the ocean of agony that stood between the songwriter and his songwriting. Hill III was a black man in a mixed marriage who took his children to the all-white world of 1950s Canada. He was a father who told his son to stand up outside the home and sit down and be quiet within it.

It is the sort of mixed message that comes naturally from father to child and does spin off in fascinating and often compelling ways.

More Cooking with Dads

Kudos to The New York Times Pete Wells who is serving as guide to two sons under four who are learning to navigate their way around sharp knives and hot handles as the learn to prepare their own food. Praise as well for the late producer Bruce Paltrow, who inspired daughter Gwyneth in the ways of food enough that she is dedicating to him her new cookbook, My Father's Daughter. And while the recipe doesn't end up producing food, kitchen honors need to be bestowed on Chuck Peartree, the Santa Claus-bearded machine shop owner who along with son Ken is cooking up the diesel that powers his trucks from Chinese egg roll oil. [Earlier: Beware! Dad Near Stove and Someone's in the Kitchen with Daddy...]

Farewell to a Funny Father and Son

The "son" is only 12 years younger than the "father," but both are retiring and have decided its time to say goodbye.

A Message from George W Bush from Will Ferrell

Will Ferrell, 41, as POTUS 43 is taking his Bush son out of office — with better reviews than the real guy got in office — and the world will get along, just as it has without 53-year-old Dana Carvey's POTUS 41 (and just as we have gotten along without the real father and will benefit from no more son).

So the best of father and son will be gone and the characters unlikely to return unless John Ellis or Babs and Jen can be encouraged to step up so that Saturday Night Live can fill their shoes. All the can be said is comedy will be the poorer as son and father head off into the dark night.

Dana Carvey - George Bush
by quouequoueg

Will Ferrell as George Bush - watch more funny videos

Punishment Updates

Trust is out. Precaution is in. That is the fathering hint(s) of the day, at least in terms of punishment.

Two dads corporally punished. Phillip Connor, who frogmarched his son back to the candy shop from which he stole is a hero because he did it after talking the punishment over with the police. On the other hand, even though an unnamed — to protect both the guilty dad and daughter — Hedgesville, W.Va., father thought it was no big deal to tie his misbehaving teen daughter up in the basement as punishment (because it wasn't that tight or for that long), police believed differently. He didn't call for permission and he will now be tied up in court dates.

So the rule of law (at least for today) seems to be not to trust your instincts, but to check with authorities. Additionally, don't trust the screens of your little computer. Occassionally break into their work to have a looksee yourself and make sure they aren't hiding their activity from you using something like Dad's Around, software that lets the user hit a "hot key" to avoid the prying eyes and (hopefully) a father's punishment.

Meddling in the Middle

Moderation being the key to all things, fathers have to learn how to meddle in the middle. Don't ruin things by getting too much involved or by not being engaged at all.

So, retired Rev. R.H. Schuller's family and faith impositions on son Rev. R. A. Schuller is responsible for the cracks currently shattering the Crystal Cathedral. However, the future of the Suleman octuplets (and their six sibs) seems fraught with lots of naught unless a father figure can be found, since there is apparently no actual father to be relied upon.

What's a father to do? Obviously, one can never be sure of most missteps until long after they'e been taken. However, the one idea that seems absolutely sure-fire is to acknowledge the genius of actress Kate Winslet's father and make your daughter pay for calls to her boyfriend.

Exploitative Relationships

Where in tough economic times can you look for cheap, easy financial remuneration? Why in family exploitation, of course.

Exploit your dad; exploit your kid; exploit the father-child relationship. Just remember, people have to laugh if there's any chance of money being in it for you:

Courting Disaster

From the Island Staten, between New York and New Jersey, comes a series of articles on the dire situation fathers often face when it comes to gaining custody (or even visitation) as a family breaks up. Dads sometimes do win, but there is nearly as large a cost to winning as to losing. If only we could go back to the good old days when dads were always in control.

This isn't to suggest that only Staten Island courts disfavor the father. The bureaucracy is to vast and and soul sucking and arbitrary about whether or not a man can keep his kids that it not only harms the good guys, it can make a man who names his kid Adolf Hitler [Earlier: Naming Rights], New Jersey's Heath Campbell into a nearly sympathetic character.

Cool D

No father is hip, down, sick, wicked, mad or hep or cool in the eyes of their child — at least while the child is a child. But every man still believes himself to be. Naturally, the sound track for that delusion should come from the land of so much make believe, Oz. This week's Objet d'eBay, is the greatest hits of Australia's jazz combo Daddy Cool, whose roots go back to the 1970s.

Like every father, the band has gone through its various incarnations, trying on different voices to come up with the ones that will have the longest and greatest impact. And like the band, no dad should ever give up, even if it takes 40 or more years, to get their kid(s) to realize they can be a hip, down, sick, wicked mad, hep or most of all cool daddy.