Faux Macho

Today's objet d'eBay is (drum roll please) the comb-over of daddying, a camo diaper bag.

Who — or whom — could one believe he was fooling? Infant juices are staining clothing, bottles of formula are being juggled; eyes are propped open with toothpicks, a female voice is criticizing from the distance; and there is likely to be intermittent and seemingly arbitrary crying. But faux war exterior allows dad to keep his macho on?

Furthering the spirit of self-delusion, a secret list (inspected by No. 5) is stuffed in one of the bag's pockets and gives the purchaser permission to call yourself Brad Pitt and sleep with Angelina Jolie and wear geeky glasses so you can spend money like Bill Gates.

** The perfect daddy shower gift, assuming liquor or other stupefying substances are sardined in it from bottom to top. **