Oh Yeah, Just What I Always Wanted

It's a sure birthday present fail. An eye-rolling inspiration with perhaps no parallel.

Awarded, rewarded, praised, mocked, controversial (and despite this evidence presumably bright) author Salman Rushdie has completed Luke and the Fire of Life. His tale of life within video games is, he says, a birthday present for his 13-year-old son, Milan.Feeling on pretty safe ground here, let's just say that one of many things a newly teened male child does not want is a book written for him by his dad....

And, no, having written Haroun and the Sea of Stories for Milan's brother Zafar still does not make this a father's adequate birthday offering to his son.

Naming Rights

New Jersey pop Heath Campbell may be onto something about Adolf Hitler no longer being dead. As noted with this week's objet d'eBay, the May 2, 1945 Stars and Stripes, The German madman killed himself rather than face the Reich's failure. Messr. Campbell, however, likes the name. So Adolph Hitler lives. In small town, Penna.

Campbell had a vision of wanting to be able to call out to his son on the playground and not have two or three or 78 other similarly named urchins turn about. Thus began the birthday cake tale of Adolph Hitler Campbell, 3. For the third year, the local ShopRite said they wouldn't ice the name (or a Swastika) on the cake; "fortunately" for free speech the local WalMart pushed its customer satisfaction team into high gear and baby Adolph got to see his name in sugar.

On the one hand we always applaud the father who wants his child to be unique and famous. On the other hand ... ick.

Faster, Daddy, Catch Them ... Now Me

Every kid wants dad to go faster. They trust their father to protect even as he is takes them to speed's hairy edge: "Can't this car go faster? ...Look that boat is passing us! ... Catch him daddy!"

Of course, not every child is on the downside of retirement age when s/he gets revved up about the speeding papa. But not ever child is Fred Miller, whose father, Gordon, is apace to drive a car and boat 100 mph (separately, not combined — or worse — at the same time) in order to celebrate his 100th birthday.

But, as with all things, kids do eventually grow up. (Thing 1, still a few years away from piloting her own vehicles into — and hopefully out of — danger, is grabbing at the gear shift; Thing 2 isn't ready even to move to the front seat, but is eager to pick out the mammoth four wheelers she will steer through suburbia.) One of the rites of that inevitability is the defeat in one or more things of the man who they so easily trusted with their safety.

But that guy, dad, doesn't always offer a victory. Sometimes he won't be beaten or the child exhibits a talent the father never developed. Other times, as in the case of funny car drivers John Force and daughter Ashley [Earlier: Car Culture], he just doesn't show up.

** It is a mystery of time that it doesn' t matter how fast or slow a father goes, children still grow up too quickly. **

Video Love

It is impossible not to be moved by a father's love. It may be youtubed and mawkish, sappy and even a big self-indulgent. But someone else's home movies are still wonderful. Touching every year ... and, thankfully, every year it grows shorter. Shorter, without yet losing any of its effect.

AGE 1


AGE 2


AGE 3


When they all get strung together into some sort of 21st birthday feature length production it will surely be too much. For now, a moment or two looking at a tribute to a father's love should be enough to remind you of your own.

** Yeah, I admit it. I watched one and had to go hug Thing 1 and 2 for no reason I could explain to them. **