Lack of Interest (?!)

While plugging his latest movie, Funny People, Adam Sandler [Earlier: What's Next, Marriagewise] offered Conan O'Brien the cliche of what it means to have children — in his case two daughters, so far — "Your whole life changes." He also offered the less likely claim that being a father has pretty much ended his interest in sex, which presumably is comedic hyperbole and not something I've experienced or even heard from other men on the street.

If such a loss-of-interest is possible, one can only hope it spreads from Sandler (who with movie may finally be growing up on screen, although admittedly not to the financial reward he garnered acting as the adult baby) to the papas like Levi Johnston, Kevin Federline, Jon Gosselin and others who gained celebrity (and role model status?) through their ability to impregnate. They are not doing us proud.

What Do They Really Want?

Perhaps the news of the launch of a site for new fathers — do we really need one more fountain of wisdom collected from the same sources? — really is good news?

Not that a site for dads can be bad in any case, but perhaps the Bounty parenting "club" announcement that that fathers of newborns can have all their questions answered and fears conquered by traveling to http://www.newdadssurvivalguide.com will change the world.

After all, do we really know what dads want? And, no, that they want sex and when they don't get it from mom they want it with someone else does not count as an answer. It is also unlikely that donuts for dads, while a nice way to attract the attention (i.e., bribe) fathers to show up in the early school hours to hang out with their kids and their children's teachers solves too many problems either ... and those donuts might actually be creating a few others.

Since Sigmund (father of shrink Anna) Freud famously wasted time pondering of what women want, maybe it would have been a better use of his brain to work out the problems to dads' desires. Or maybe dads need their own Christine Aguilera, who somehow worked out "What a Girl Wants," which reads like she needs her dad.

In any case, so far it remains a mystery. You certainly can't trust fathers to discover it on their own. Consider the case of Leonard Nimoy. He chased fame and financial stability and, at least according to the new "anti-memoir" by son Adam, My Incredibly Wonderful Miserable Life, things were okay for father (and son), but ultimately what he thought he wanted was not enough.

In short (and, yes, it is too late for that) when it comes to what a dad wants, your guess is as good as mine.

Let's Talk About Er, Umm, Well, Uhh... (sex, shhhh!)

One in four ... 3.2 million?

Eight hundred and change girls were tested and the CDC announced that 25 percent of teen American females have a sexually transmitted disease. Not Thing 1 or 2, of course. Never them. Of course. At least not any more than the son of the religious guy in Anderson, S.C.

Still, we have to talk about "the talk." Except what will work since templates-to-fail surely include the "birds and the bees" (bestial miscegenation is a help?) or abstinence (and how does the species continue?); or it only belongs in a loving marriage (lol, from their divorced dad).

Sure hope honesty and luck don't fail and I don't look really stupid.

** Or maybe there is no way for kids not to think dads aren't stupid when it comes to sex. **

Bunny Bopping

This week's objet d'eBay is a reminder of a more sane time. Father of two, but divorced, Hugh Hefner — as noted — was Playboy's No. 1 Playboy. And he was responsible.

Now, two divorces and two children later, the 81-year-old Hef is rumored to be setting up a disastrous future power struggle. Girlfriend (1) Holly Madison, 27, wants a baby and apparently she wants it to be his ... sort of a granddaughter-like thing for HH's oldest daughter Christine, 55, who took over the running of the business hutch from dad and got the bunny hopping again. He gets to pic Playmate of the Month, she gets to select where the business is going.

** Truly, in some ways dads never do grow beyond being teenage boys. **

Research and Rumor

It seems unlikely that three months would have made that much of a difference. But maybe it would?

Penn State researchers believe that a dad's presence delays a daughter's sexual maturity by three months — no matter how self-delusional he is about the issue or how much the girls and their mother may not be telling him. So, if James Parnell Spears had been around, rather than divorcing mom Lynn in 2002, maybe daughter Jamie Lynn could have held out long enough to get birth control or stop by CVS for a condom for her boyfriend and perhaps daughter Britney would not be in quite the same mess ... bad enough to be turning to [according to rumor] father Joe (of Jessica "the brain" and Ashley "the nose") Simpson to paste together the shattered eggshell of her career.

** What speeds up a father's maturity, sexual or other? And as for prolonging ...**

Bunnies and Hops

Wisdom, luck or circumstance? Is there a process or a secret for a dad to know how and when to turn over his enterprise.

Hugh Hefner seems to have lucked out in turning Playboy over to daughter Christine. He gets to parade around with multiple girlfriends, make executive decisions about the magazine and she's rescued the company from economic doldrums and leveraged the brand throughout new media and old ( witness, if you can stomach it, The Girls Next Door" on E!).

On the other hand, a so-far-unnamed dad made the executive decision to turn the steering wheel over to his son. That he was drunk diminishes the Hallmarky aspects of this moment a bit. That his son is only 13 diminishes it a tad more. And, unfortunately, the fact that his son was drunk as well seemed to be the final monkey wrench for the solution of the enterprising pop.

** Would the fathers have made the same decisions if their situations were reversed and would the result have been the same? **

The Big Dance

Do daddy's girls really "save" themselves for someone special? Do fathers really give away their daughters? And can a dad-daughter prom, as the Arizona Daily Star announces, "help drive home message about abstinence"?

The questions arise as it's time for Tucson's fourth annual Purity Ball — and, no,"ball" is not being used ironically — a father-daughter outing that the local Baptist ministry expects to encourage religious-inspired abstinence (part of the ceremony involves a white rose laid on a cross).

Dads serving in their daughters' lives as guide and inspiration is praiseworthy. But there is also something a little strained, if not icky at the level of involvement of dads in their daughters sex lives suggested by the self-proclaimed 24-year-old unmarried virgin who seems to revel in date nights with dad, seemingly unbalanced by a relationship with a single male closer to her age.

** Isn't the goal to teach your children the best you can (deciding for them less and less as they age) and then worry? **

The Talk

It is not particularly difficult to explain the birds and the bees to one's children. They both fly and one makes for a better metaphor for existence: it can sting you and also makes honey.

The difficulty — perhaps the real source of the traditional embarrassment — is in admitting to yourself that you don't understand what winged creatures have to do with making the beast with two backs (line 127). The act itself isn't that hard to explain; anyone with naked Ken and Barbie dolls (or for fathers of boys two firetrucks) in their house can make a fair if not exact demonstration of the basics.

Actually, given what modern media makes available, THE TALK probably isn't even necessary ... if it ever was. In response to a national survey that the sons of St. George weren't doing their part in passing on procreational wisdom to the next generation, one British dad explained, "My father never even showed me how to shave. But, I mean, it's not that hard to pick up, is it?"

Finally, while on the subject of Her Majesty's subjects, it is probably something to consider that not every dad can fulfill the dreamy scene of a great sage passing on a lifetime of (sexual wisdom) to his son or daughter. Imagine Jimmy Page, now father of three, but one time (kudos to The Times), "a baby-faced, axe-wielding heroin addict fond of wearing a Nazi uniform to transvestite clubs. [Who sometimes] had to be led back to his hotel and handcuffed to the toilet for safe keeping."

Even more than the pre-sold out Led Zep concert, I wish I could have had a spot in the bleachers for The Talk he gave.